Today…
One year, one day…
Since a hospital visit, you see, my life had gone astray
The real issue was I saw the problems, just not in full clarity until after that day…
I never had noticed how I betrayed myself over the years and gave my own power away…
Oh how life shifted for me in that year, on that day…
I had given up, you see…
I had lost every shred of internal hope
That final thread that was holding me together…
I turned from old mechanisms used to cope
I deemed it a storm I couldn't weather
I wanted a clean exit, to have a sliver of dignity
Instead in mental duress, I chose a way that enabled time to dwell on life and all of it's ambiguity
One year and one day since I gave up fighting..
One year and one day since God touched my soul
One year and one day, since I started to be able to see…
One year and one day since I realized that no one ever actually believed in me… not even me..
Oh they trained me beautifully, in such destructive ways
“…that I had never been alive, no wonder it never felt real, what a sham of a life I had lived..”
I've had too many of these days…
And even though nothing and no one stays, I even lost myself along the way….
That ache in my heart tells me it was all real and true
Every silent moment spent in this screaming solitude
… my emotional capacity.. through the trauma and abuse, I could only do what I knew to be true
It's been one year and one day and I'm still in survival mode, only half way able to chase this damn dream
It's been one year and one day today, and my heart feels heavy enough to pull me to the Earth beneath my feet…
Yet I drag myself along, still mostly hopeless with an expansive inner void, a step away, from defeat…
But I have a date with destiny, even if destiny isn't ready for me.