Inferno

I have an inferno, blazing in my heart

Learning to temper my flame

Because I've been burning alive on the inside, my entire life.

None of this is easy, but it feels right.

He's already taken

I met you in an off season

At first, I thought for no reason

Just another temptation amongst the noise

But a new fear unlocked! Of not getting a choice…

Every time I look at you I am filled with guilt

I assumed my feelings would never grow, rather, instead that they would wilt

There's a pull and I'm noticing synchronicities more and more

As though I've known you before

Like I felt your energy from a time I can't even remember

I started feeling that deeper gaze, the knowing, by December

Or how I startle awake out of a dream

And you're the last thing I remember seeing

Perhaps it's because I see your name spelled out in the few things I actually do watch

Those things are all becoming too much for me not to clock

I'll admit it seemed at first like nothing too

just a little smitten, a small case of limerence

you know, whoop-dee-doo!

But then I noticed a few things

Like a proverbial bitch slap,around a few concepts…

my head did begin to wrap.

My barrier of not trusting you, started to be more like a chain link.

You were getting through, that's not easy but there was something else too

I couldn't help but start noticing the small things you'd do, the way you think

Your personality started to seep through

I chalked it up to a small crush or slight infatuation of you

I even went as far as to think I was just that pathetic, kindness was that much of a rarity for me

But there was one truth I realized that I couldn't unsee

I've met people I've been drawn to from the start

Never have I met someone who made me feel real Joy within my heart

That truth right there is what really sets you apart

I couldn't help to see you, sad part is I somewhat felt seen too

Now I live and pretend that I didn't see you

I suppose it's the lie that's safest to hold on to,

Because to somebody else you already said “I do”

Nothing and everything all in one

I am nothing…

Nothing in the grand scheme of things,

I am but a lonely fleck of dust

One whose body matter

can cause metals to rust

I can corrode the barrier

That you constructed so delicately around your heart

Keep in mind I am nothing…

Nothing but a living piece of art

A small dusty example of how to get one thought to stop

And enable another to start

I will help ressurect new structures

To keep us apart

But keep in mind I am nothing…

I am just a first glance, a memory, a fallen opportunity, simply a missed chance

The truth behind the things we aren't ready to see?

See?… We simply can't.

Always remember, that now I am nothing to any of you…

The seeds previously planted, they never took root

But to me I am everything

I have fallen on a peak up and to the West

Where the land meets the sky and where the sun goes to rest.

The rains of life carried me downstream

To depths in the sea most will never reach

I had gotten lost in the tides, no doubt I was incomplete

But you see, I had been cleansed by that torrent sea

I am now a forgotten concept to who I was before, previously…

The speck of dust that now sees through the layers and lies

A speck of dust, reborn from the Earthly sinners cries.

A glimpse

I live for a glimpse

A painting

Or stunning work of art

A breathtaking sunset

Or a beautiful shooting star

The sights of the city lights

The sight of lightning and the sounds when the thunder drums

The beats of the pattering rain, gathering in puddles, a rhythmic strum

The bright colors on those crisp fall days

Or the way the snow sits as it freshly lays

How the clouds reflect on a lake that is serene

Or the way children's eyes look, curious and oddly keen.

To most these moments go unfavored and frequently unseen

But these moments create my world, to me they make my life worth living

Marbles

The sound of a small clash,

of broken glass…

There another one goes!

Another marble gone,

broken by my foes

Sequenced, repeating, relapse

Life got out of my own hands

I couldn't maintain a solid grasp

All of it happened so damn fast!

I know over the years I could hear them falling

I just didn't understand it, I couldn't see the calling…

I praise the fact they are forloin

My broken marbles and my lost coin

It breaks open an opportunity for exploration

To find my own new marbles,

maybe even of my own creation

I didn't need or want large glam

That entire path is also a scam!

I'm simply aimed for functionality

I've grown to appreciate simple things, practicality…

More solid and sturdy ones

With an impenetrable foundation

Inaccessible to outside permiation

Also to toxic inner and exterior degradation

I have gathered a few

But not enough to know with what to do

Still with a slight unease… trepidation

Perhaps I need to get to a higher elevation

Maybe if I made my marbles from those materials, they'd be a higher vibration

Maybe even somewhere I've never known, to give an unusual sensation…

I want them all to be very unique

I don't want to be the common, easy thing that everyone can seek

Along my quest to gather more marbles I will continue to go

Just much more aware, I don't have many friends

But I have many foe…

My ropes ~ n ~ slopes

Catastrophizing my old friend...

You've come to torment me again...

Rushing into the brims of my consciousness...

Instantly drudging up my view of humanity from all of their and my moments where we were our lousy-est...

Internally screaming while physically calm

How long can the demeanor last? From experience, not very long...

I think you're staring at blackmail of me

I don't think you understand, I don't think you see

It clamors up a murderous rage that hides within me

My heart starts thudding… what can it be?

As the thoughts race in instantly…“Oh God please don't tell me… was it of the rape? Wait, which one?Would they have taken photos while I was passed out without consent? Because I'm not ok with nudies, not for anyone! … Oh no is it a screenshot of someone's slanderous make believe?! Fuck or was it when I was on drugs and booze with some pretty sleezy tendencies? Was it an angry ex? An old fling felt scorned??? Or a stranger that I pissed off because they weren't properly “warned”?”

I've already killed you 10 times in my head,

All different ways, you still end up dead…

Only after my heartbeat drowns out all the noise

After I can break my line of sight from those ignorant boys

Right before the rage hits the high right below action

Where I see life could change negatively, all I need is that second of time, a small distraction

I realize I am a slippery slope…

That my trauma is my personalized rope

Took awhile

You know I often wonder

If I ever mattered to anyone

For so long I remained a puppet on strings

Realizing I was only serving a way of financial means

With my boundaries continuously being disregarded,

You really wonder why towards all of you I finally have grown cold hearted?

I only held on like that because I was greedy and didn't want to lose my kids

I knew the outcome of that scenario really before anyone else did.

Of the judgemental talk of my open faults, how it bothered those with their hidden ones,

How they would gaslight, lie and openly decieve, their manipulation would win, cons

And later on it was proved it did, but back then I had a feeling, a preface

So my pain and anguish eventually becoming a loop, continuously lived

Underneath booze and extreme mood swings it indeed hid

But eventually it all crumbled, later on I did too

I barely held on at times, because I truly felt I had no reason to

My entire sense of self, my existence

Haulted as I knew it, in an instance.

It's been a little over a year and I at times I still have this unwanted resistance

My life is lighter

Seemingly very empty

Yet oddly, still almost too full

So few people give my curiosity a genuine good pull…

At this point on my healing journey I'm no longer feeling broken

Yes some days are hard, yes some things are even more difficult when they're spoken

But to feel that weight lift, that space to free

It helps me manifest my growth in all capacities

I suppose at the end of this rant what started as a seeming tragedy,

All in all, I just feel blessed and I'm fucking proud to be me.

One year, one day

Today…

One year, one day…

Since a hospital visit, you see, my life had gone astray

The real issue was I saw the problems, just not in full clarity until after that day…

I never had noticed how I betrayed myself over the years and gave my own power away…

Oh how life shifted for me in that year, on that day…

I had given up, you see…

I had lost every shred of internal hope

That final thread that was holding me together…

I turned from old mechanisms used to cope

I deemed it a storm I couldn't weather

I wanted a clean exit, to have a sliver of dignity

Instead in mental duress, I chose a way that enabled time to dwell on life and all of it's ambiguity

One year and one day since I gave up fighting..

One year and one day since God touched my soul

One year and one day, since I started to be able to see…

One year and one day since I realized that no one ever actually believed in me… not even me..

Oh they trained me beautifully, in such destructive ways

“…that I had never been alive, no wonder it never felt real, what a sham of a life I had lived..”

I've had too many of these days…

And even though nothing and no one stays, I even lost myself along the way….

That ache in my heart tells me it was all real and true

Every silent moment spent in this screaming solitude

… my emotional capacity.. through the trauma and abuse, I could only do what I knew to be true

It's been one year and one day and I'm still in survival mode, only half way able to chase this damn dream

It's been one year and one day today, and my heart feels heavy enough to pull me to the Earth beneath my feet…

Yet I drag myself along, still mostly hopeless with an expansive inner void, a step away, from defeat…

But I have a date with destiny, even if destiny isn't ready for me.

I forgive you

I forgive you for all the lies

The manipulation and abruptly cut ties

For the sneaky behavior and blatant deciet

I knew better, our foundation wasn't set in concrete

I forgive you for the all the love bombs,

that triclked down to nothing's, because you can do no wrong…

I forgive you for always being a victim for your circumstances

Even though you were the one to cause all your happenstances…

I forgive you for digging your hole, that you made it deep…

I always knew holding a space for you, would make me sink

I chose to let you go, and I choose forgiveness too

I chose to move on and to not reconcile with you...

I forgive you for your jealousy for me,

I know it ain't easy to walk in your own shoes and to actually just be…

I saw you, even through all the lies, manuplatin and deciet

You were always the weak one, it was never me.

Little boy

Little boy, little boy

Running from himself

Little boy, little boy

Always hidden behind a mask of “wanting to help”

Little boy, little boy

His arrogance, oh it runs deep

Little boy, little boy

One that now, I could never keep

Little boy, little boy

How of late, do you sleep?

Little boy, little boy

Poor life choices, enjoy what you reap!

Cycles

I don't know how much louder one could have screamed,

Just to be heard but, to go unseen

Only to have their voice echo back to them from the silence

From the inner tournament, the violence

Unwavering, unchanging life, all consuming

It became overly draining

Day in, day out, ever forward, yet never changing

Life stagnating, unable, unwilling to be open for life rearranging

Living in a long drawn cycle of sorrow and pain

Almost to the point of certainty, as predictable as the rain

All the while, still moving forward, long steady stride

Seemingly alone, if only you could meet their eyes

Perhaps just walk alongside them, with patience kindness and grace

Not everyone realizes they are walking in circles, some just need help out of that place.